3 litres of ice cream... and Jesus.

everywhere i look, people are in such different seasons, facing a whole bunch of varying situations and circumstances.  the mothers who are fighting to find peace and fulfillment in the long days of unending tasks or trying to find purpose in a life turning out different than the one they imagined. the singles who are battling despair and loneliness, or managing the longing while rocking being involved and living life to the fullest in the waiting.  the guys working so hard, hustling to build their dreams and save up for that wedding.  the working moms fighting for balance in what is required of them out of the home and needed of them in the home.  the carefree lovebirds who are living life on cloud 9.  those struggling with sickness and disease, fighting to stay healthy and positive and full of faith.  the happy, the sad, the strong, the weak, the vibrant, the dull, the adventurous, the mundane, those enjoying and those enduring... so many different situations...

i, myself, am in one of the VERY hardest seasons for me (my personality and make)... i am not busy. and i haven't been busy for months.  other than my wedding and our end of year production last year (both of which i found so fun, but again, quite easy to do) there's just not been much going on since then for me that i have found challenging or invigorating... other than the challenge of not being challenged. 

rest is probably one of the hardest things for me.  i crave being busy, i need to be needed, i LOVE being stretched and working hard and beating deadlines and being totally poured out... i thrive there. many people find it exhausting and complain about it... i LONG for those times and revel when they come and it takes A LOT before i start feeling overwhelmed.  

but life for the past many months has been...well, quiet.  still.  simple.  easy, for lack of a better word. my marriage is wonderful and growing and fun and strong and totally satisfying.  my team is well equipped and handling their responsibilities so well (even surpassing me in so many ways... and that is success...right?)  

and i'm just...well, i'm here. 

for the past many days, i've been talking to my husband about this and we've been praying a lot... he keeps reminding me that this is just a season.... and thank God seasons don't last forever (even if they feel like they do).

yesterday, our awesome accountant (nash) shared with us in staff devotions about being content - yes, dreaming and planning for the future, but not at the expense of missing out on the now.  i was SO challenged, i needed that word... am i really content in this season now?  NO.  am i grateful for the many months of quiet waiting and resting?  NOT REALLY.  and is that a good thing?  no... no it's not.  i should be content and grateful for the season i'm in now.

"...for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little.  I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything.  I have learned the secret of contentment in every situation, whether it be a full stomach or hunger, plenty or want;  for I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ Who gives me the strength and power."  - philippians 4:11b-13 (the living bible) (emphasis mine)

the amplified version puts it this way..."...for I have learned to be content [and self-sufficient through Christ, satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or uneasy] regardless of my circumstances.  I know how to get along and live humbly [in difficult times], and I also know how to enjoy abundance and live in prosperity.  In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret [of facing life]... I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose...I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace]." (amplified bible)  (emphasis mine)

"almost nothing...hunger...difficult times...little" 
i don't know about you, but i wouldn't think of those words and then think "get along happily, be content, satisfied".... but paul said, not just when things are good and wonderful, but even when it's not so great, or even downright bad, i've learned how the secret of being content WHILE IT'S ROUGH, and satisfied WHEN I'M IN DIFFICULTY and happy WHEN I DON'T HAVE MUCH... 
wow.  just wow.

i love the phrase "i've learned to be satisfied to the point where i am not disturbed or uneasy"  that's the place we need to get to - where the hard seasons don' make us uneasy, the seasons of lack or want don't disturb us.

i can do all things which He has called me to do... not through gritting my teeth and forcing myself to just. get. through. it. or self-help books or 3 litres of ice cream... i can do this through HIM.  through His strength in me.  and not just do it... i can enjoy this season, be satisfied, be happy, be at ease, be undisturbed, with inner strength and confident peace...

so if you are like me... in a season that feels long and seems frustrating or hard or maybe even boring... you can do it.  you can even rock it.  that circumstance and situation that is stretching you further than you think you can go... you can be SATISFIED in that season.  you can get along HAPPILY whether it's a great place or a hard place.  He will give you the strength...
"...the strength to stick it out over the long haul - not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives.  it is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father Who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that He has for us." - colossians 1:11-12 (the message)

be encouraged...the strength He gives us isn't just to bear up and survive and trudge through... it is glory-strength.  it is strength that spills into joy and thanksgiving!

"learn the unforced rhythms of grace.  I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."  -  matthew 11:30 (the message)

i thought i was right.

as i mentioned in my last post, my story of relationships and boyfriends and dating is all pretty much a mish-mash of really foolish decisions and pride - and through all those situations, i thought i was right.

what i'm gonna write about today is my experience and testimony, what i learned... 

here are some of the BIG incorrect mindsets i had...

"God told me"

isolated and using this statement as the end-all can be a misleading mindset.
let me make something clear - i VERY MUCH BELIEVE that God should direct you to your spouse, and He should speak to you about the person you are in love with - but that word, if it is genuine, should be able to be tested and still stand.

here's the thing... God has given us ways that we can confirm that word, because, let's be honest, when you like someone and you think they are hot and you are all googly eyed (or super spiritual, like me, and have 68 rhema's about them and why you should give them 5 children), it's pretty easy to strongly FEEL the FEELS and just KNOW that THIS. IS. IT...and honestly, maybe it is!!!  BUT... if God really did tell you and this really is God, then you should have no worries about it being confirmed.

here are 3 ways (though there can be more/others) to confirm the word God gave:

1) the Bible - God will not tell you to marry a married man/woman, or anything else that goes agains what the black and white words of the Bible say.  God IS His word... how can He have double standards?

2) parents - if this person is a good spouse for you, then your parents should have a peace about that too.  (many times our parents are not believers and/or might resist a union for unbiblical reasons eg. tribe or social status - this is where you can use God's word AND your spiritual authority to judge if it is right/wise to proceed)

3) pastors/leaders - they should also have peace and agree.  again, how would God tell you something that He wouldn't tell your pastors or your mentors that HE ordained to lead you?  that sounds confusing, and God does not author confusion.  

ideally, all these 3 should align.  the only case i can think of where that wouldn't be so is if, as said earlier, parents disagree for unbiblical reasons... but God's word, your parental authority and your spiritual authority should all be in a place of agreement about what you feel.  we tend to think our parents or our leaders are not necessary in making this decision...but they are God's gifts to us to protect us from making misguided decisions...there is such wisdom in getting MUCH counsel, and if any of your chosen counsel has an issue, you would be WISE to heed and seek understanding.

"this is just a private thing between us right now"

don't confuse "private" for "hidden."  

you might be a private person, who isn't interested in updating social media about every move you make or telling the whole world about your relationship.  that's totally ok.  

but to need or want to hide it from your leaders?  that's an AUTOMATIC warning sign that something may not be ok...

"he/she really loves me."

whoever God has for you had BETTER really love you... and yes, maybe they really really do - but just keep in mind that genuine love will do the right thing the right way.  it won't hide you, keep you as a secret, use you, convince you to disobey leaders or parents, convince you to ignore wisdom.  (and if YOU genuinely love someone, you won't do any of that to them).  that's not to say that people who truly love one another may not make mistakes or foolish/sinful choices - thank GOD for grace and mercy and restoration - but we should be pursuing doing things well and openly...if we do stumble and fall, and really love that person, then we should want to repent and restore what has been broken...

so here's what happened... when i met allan, i decided to "put God to the test."  i had tried doing things my way and every time ended up hurt, so this time, i decided to do this relationship BY THE BOOK - all the "rules," all the courtship-tings, all the meetings, all the accountability, everything!!  and i did... the day allan told me he liked me i freaked out (see previous post), and told him, "you have to meet my dad.  and my pastor.  and my cell leader."  and you know what?  he said, "cool, when can that happen?"

and when our cell leaders shared the physical boundaries they counseled us to keep, i committed to that (even though i seriously didn't like it) and so did allan.  he kept the standard SO HIGH throughout our courtship, he was strong when i was weak, he never once pressured me or pushed me to cross that boundary.  not because he's the perfect guy who just doesn't ever get tempted (i mean, look at me, i am a cute lil thing!)... and not that it was always easy for him, but he had his cell leader that he would faithfully call and walk with whenever things got difficult for him.  for both of us, we often wrestled with the choice between submitting, or just doing what we felt we should do.  we initially had a very different idea about "how" to do "us", but we kept taking God at His word and choosing to trust those we had asked for counsel.  (our theme song was "oceans"... "You call me out upon the water" - man, if you want to see the miracles, you have to leave what makes sense to you, what you are comfortable with, your experience and your reasoning and your opinions...you have to leave "your boat")

when our parents said we needed to delay our wedding, you know what?  we prayed (and cried a whole lot, but prayed) and thanked God for leaders who love us and are for us and we decided to submit (with good attitudes) even though it made absolutely NO sense to us AT ALL at the time...

when our folks did have a release and gave us the go ahead, it was PERFECT.  as in, such a perfect wedding and process and experience... oh my goodness, wonderful.  and we saw the hand of God in the timing of our wedding, in the decisions of our leaders, even though it was SO hard to submit at the time we were asked to wait...now we were seeing the fruits of that submission.  

allan earned respect from my parents and my leaders.  he submitted to hard things.  he did them faithfully.  so when my parents were walking me down the aisle, they were walking to give me to a man who had been PROVEN worthy of trust and faith.  and allan didn't just prove it to them... he proved it to ME.  he showed me that he can do hard things, he can obey even when he doesn't feel like it, he can admit his weakness and go to wise sources for help and strength, he can take his questions and frustrations to the right place to deal with them...  he proved he is a man i can follow.  

we walked through some hard things, yes, but they served the purpose of proving us.  fake gold can look good and even look real... but 1 peter 1:7 says, "pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure.”  when gold goes through fire, you can be SURE of what you have, for it has been proven.

all through the process, i have to tell you... i felt stupid.  as in, genuinely foolish.

why didn't i trust God before?  why did i find it so hard to trust my parents and my leaders?  why didn't i trust the process we had been taught?

because here i was, enjoying the ride of my life, totally at peace, walking in total purity, leaning HEAVILY on my cell leaders and parents to help keep me on the right path (because that's what God gave them to me for)... why did i think God's way would be boring?  or not fun?  or ridiculously hard?  i was so surprised by how wonderful our courtship was - how much fun we had and how awesome it was to have the most awesome support system around us, helping and guiding us.  

psalm 18:30 "as for God, His way is perfect: the Lord’s word is flawless…”

His way is perfect.   no mistakes.

we had the MOST. AWESOME. time dating and courting and growing together.

we have NO regrets.  none.  (to this day, that makes my eyes fill with tears of gratitude… i have many regrets in my life, but allan and our process is not any of them).

why?

not because we are such perfect people…far, FAR from it… but because we both chose God.  we chose the path He showed us, even when it seemed strange or hard (after all, His ways are above our ways.  proverbs 20:24 says, “man’s steps are ordered and ordained by the Lord.  how then can a man [fully] understand his way?”) 

we committed to try him, to do it the way He told us through His Word and through our leaders, 100%.

and this morning, my wonderful husband brought me tea in bed… i think His way worked ;)

p.s.  i want to say something quick to anyone reading this who didn’t do things “by the book,” or maybe by a book different than ours ;)  or is currently wrestling to walk the right path in the relationship you are in – i have seen the mercies of God time and time again, and i know, firsthand, that He is pro at bringing beauty from ashes.  this is NOT to say that if you didn’t do things the way allan and i did, then you won’t have a great marriage – not at all!  this is simply my testimony and meant to encourage people who are having a hard time, or perhaps battling the same mindsets i did… just TRUST and OBEY. 

i know every story is different… and every story, placed in the hands of Almighty God, is beautiful.

i'm a "mrs" now :)

there's something about when +George Oloo posts a blog that almost feels like a challenge for me to post... (his blog is awesome by the way, you should read every. single. post.)  anyway... he posted (twice, in fact) and because of that...here i am :)

and i'm married.  i have been married for just a tad over 3 months.  i mean, we are talking INFANCY stages here, so i won't even pretend to start offering all my nuggets of wisdom on marriage, seeing as i'm still learning how to not freak out and giggle like a schoolgirl whenever someone says "husband" referring to the guy that gave me his name...!!!

HOWEVER... i will say something to all the single girls out there...

God is faithful.  i know you've heard that A MILLION TIMES and it starts to feel super annoying.
but He is.

if i told you my story... man, i have walked a HARD road in my life, a lot due to choices i made and a lot due to choices others made, but it has been hard.  full of heartbreak, failure, sin, shame, hurt, fear, rejection... i can show you journals that have MONTHS of consecutive entries of utterly destroyed dreams, complete embarrassment, fighting hopelessness, wanting to trust God but at a loss to understand Him.  i can tell you about crying through nights, fighting through days and questioning all the cliche's i had been told regarding my everlasting singleness (or so it felt).

and then i met him.  totally unexpected.  he was my friend.  and then i got a crush on him but that freaked me out because my track record until that point was not a shining example of "liking the guy who likes you back."  and then he liked me back.  and that freaked me out because my track record up until that point was not a shining example of "liking the guy who likes you who is actually gonna work out."

and every step, i was waiting for the inevitable - pain, heartache, rejection, dishonesty, stupidity...
and every step, he shielded me.  he challenged me.  he loved me.  he was NEVER moved by any step of the process he had to go through.  he made me feel like the "pearl of great price" - he was willing to do whatever it took to get me.  ME.  rebekah dawn - stubborn, complicated, in a very public place of ministry, mzungu, broken, afraid, chubby.   yeah... he prized ME.

and that took my breath away.  he made me safe.  he gave me a place to be "the weaker vessel."
he made me laugh.  he made me grow.  he made me happy.

he still does.

i just wanted you to know...  God is faithful.  i am almost ashamed at how SHOCKED i am at God's promise actually being true.  isn't that crazy?  God wasn't lying, or taunting, or punishing, or ignoring me... He knew.  He knew Allan was in my future.  and my eyes fill with tears at how wonderful Allan is, how underserving i am, how faithful God is.

trust Him.  He's not lying.  i promise.
don't waste your waiting (singleness ROCKS!!!!  for reals - go out and buy something without having to ask your husband if it fits in the budget that month, and eat popcorn for dinner without wondering if it meets the standards of "good wife skills" and go on missions trips and travel and spend 4 nights at your friends house and .... yeah... ), but wait knowing... you may not walk down the aisle as a blushing 20 year old bride...some of us walk down that aisle a little older ... but i can honestly tell you, it is worth waiting for.  the man God is preparing for you?? oh my goodness, he is worth waiting for...

when God says 'no'...

"no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." - psalm 84:11b (amp)

 God challenged me with these words recently...
 "My 'no' is as much of a reason for you to celebrate as My 'yes'." 

it is easy to praise, rejoice, fill out a good report card, post to social media and "give all glory to God" when we get a YES for the things we've been asking.

but what about when we are answered with "no" or "wait." are we as quick to be grateful and praise and get excited? it's easy to be discouraged when we don't get what we want - and i do believe that there can be warfare and the enemy can resist our breakthrough (another post for another day!) - but when God says no or when God says wait, why do we not see that as a WONDERFUL thing?

if God will not withhold any good thing, then would it not stand to reason that if He DOES withhold it, it must not be good?

His no can be protection. His no can be because He sees the future while we can only see the now. His no can be to make us better people. His no can be to reveal our true nature to ourselves so we can see where our faith is.
 His no is good. His no is trustworthy.
 His no is as much a reason to dance and shout and sing as His yes.

there's a song made popular recently that says "when Jesus say 'yes' nobody can say 'no'." amen to that! but what happens "when Jesus say 'no'"??? do we have songs for that?

when a child asks his father for something that seems SO GOOD to his little understanding - say, for example, he asks to eat nothing but candy for dinner - it is unfathomable to him why his father would say 'no'... does Dad not see why i need this candy? does he not understand that this candy is all my heart desires? does he not notice how long i've been waiting for this candy? why am i being denied? why doesn't Dad really care about me?

it seems laughable because, at our age, we understand that eating candy for dinner is clearly not a good idea, but in a little boy's mind, it is hard to grasp why his father would say no. it boils down to this question - do i really trust my Father? do i truly believe that He understands more than i do, He sees more than i see, He knows more than i know, and if He says no, then it is a no i can trust and rely on, a no i should embrace and be grateful for?

look back over your life... if God had given you every thing you had asked for, where would you be now? don't you look back at some relationships, some jobs, some opportunities that, at the time, you were so SURE would be right for you... yet now, you see God's good hand directing you away from something or someone that would have been harmful or unhealthy or less than His best?

may our hindsight give us insight into our present situations... no good thing will He withhold. 

God... thank You for every time You, in Your loving kindness and mercy, directed me as a Good Shepherd by holding me back from the things i wanted that i didn't even see would hurt me. forgive me for so easily letting go of my faith in Your goodness. thank You for every "no" and every "wait" You have spoken over me. thank You, Lord.

help me, in days to come, when i am convinced that i know best and my plan is solid and my ways are sure, to trust that if You hold me back or redirect me or keep me waiting, it is because something GOOD is being prepared for me... or that i am being prepared for something GOOD.

help me, in moments of doubt, not to behave like a spoiled child, bent on getting my way and insisting on my desire...

help me, in times of testing, to praise You in the waiting, to worship in the "no" and to TRUST and OBEY.

amen.

still my chosen road...

i should probably start with some kind of explanation as to why i haven't blogged for the past two-ish years... :)  

well... life happens...and over the hills and bumps and valleys and rocky paths of my chosen road, some of that life has been heartbreaking, hurtful, disappointing and i've faced rejection, defeat, frustration and desperation.  but it has also had it's share (more so in the last year) of victory, joy, happiness, love, healing and revelation.

in january of last year (2014) i went on a 40 day fast (43 days to be exact).  i'd just reached a place where i needed an encounter with God, i needed freedom, i needed deliverance and i needed healing like never before.  so for 43 days, i fasted food (only water, and a small serving of fruit or veggies a day), i fasted social media and entertainment... i read through the entire Bible (chronologically) and read 12 books.  i prayed continually through the days.  i let God dig deep into the places that hurt, the places i'd rather keep hidden from Him and from myself.  i looked long and hard in the mirror of my soul and allowed myself to see the truth reflected there.  i worshipped and sang my heart out.  i cried a heck of a lot.  

and somewhere in that process, healing and freedom found me.

tho freedom, i've found, is a continual choice.  it's a daily walk.  it's a never ending process.

the enemy is crafty, cruel and subtle... if i don't keep my guard up, my eyes open and my spirit sensitive, those old chains can be ever so coyly slipped back over me.  

this road i've chosen - it's narrow and i'm constantly seeing massive eight lane highways of compromise and convenience on the left and right... 

but this is the road i've chosen...because the destination is worth it.  

and who i become in the travel is wonderful.  

...don't worry about missing out...

"steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. don't worry about missing out." - matthew 6:33 (the message) i've been frustrated with myself lately - i don't know if anyone reading this will relate, but so often i try so hard to be so good at everything that i end up having a few days of amazing results and then, inevitably, something starts slipping and falls through the cracks and then i struggle with discouragement which leads to justification which leads to acceptance which leads to frustration which starts me off again. i get all geared up to be perfect, check off everything on my list and do it all with a beautiful smile, gracious spirit and unsmudged mascara. family, friends, work, ministry, my team, my dog, my nails, laundry, exercise, prayer time, soul-winning, grocery shopping, communicate......life!!!! this scripture in matthew's gospel is helping me focus... the word 'steep' means 'to thoroughly saturate or immerse.' immerse your life in God-reality - whose reality consumes me? whose reality am i basing choices and priorities on? saturate your life in God-initiative - would Jesus walk the paths i'm choosing? would He be involved in the projects i'm involved in? would He see what i see as important? when i see things from the perspective of His reality, i'll easily be involved in His initiatives. for example, there are these kids i often pass on a route i use to drive home - precious kids begging for their next meal. the other day, a friend of mine and i took some time to buy some groceries to give to them. the look on their faces when going through the bags of food? priceless. the intensity of one of them looking up at us and genuinely saying, "may God bless you"? powerful. when i see things in His reality, i will get involved in His initiatives, and when i do that, i will live in His provision. this is helping me live each day with the right priorities... another translation of matthew 6:33 says "seek God's kingdom first, then He'll give you all you need." i want to make a difference. i want to make an impact. i don't want to miss a thing... His reality. His initiative. His provisions.

interpretive dances and such...

it's 12:43 a.m. and i can't sleep... just an f.y.i. :)

in church last sunday, my dad preached an awesome message titled "next." (you can download it HERE) amazing to me how i get excited over that one word. next. if you are in a season anything like mine, next offers hope, interest and relief! next holds within it the potential for change...

dad made this statement "God will only have me stay in one place because of my doings or my not doings." a powerful statement. to further quote him, he has also said many times in the past "application is the foundation of fruitfulness."

all of this came together for me a couple of days ago - i've been doing a study of the book of james and so much of what i've been dwelling on in that book ties it all together...

"you can't pick and choose in these things, specializing in keeping one or two things in God's law and ignoring others...do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? do i hear you professing to believe in the One and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful? that's just great. demons do that, but what good does it do them?". - james 2 (the message)

whether i move to the next level, the next season, the next opportunity, the next whatever is based on my doings. or not doings. shouting "AMEN!" when dad preaches about the "next," singing israel houghton's "moving forward" or "another level" with all my vibrato, journaling scriptures about "see, I am doing a new thing"....these are all well and good - but will they usher me into the next phase? on their own, i'm thinking probably not.

what am i doing? merely acknowledging the need, desire and determination for change will not bring change. a good starting place, but that has to develop into doing. making a daily schedule for myself detailing the particulars of a new course of action to bring me into the next level of whatever is great...but until i JUST DO IT, i'll have only scheduled potential, not reality.

i believe in the principle of tithing - i acknowledge it's truth.
but am i tithing?
i believe in the cause of the Kingdom, winning souls and making disciples.
but am i actually telling people about Jesus?
i believe in good health and staying fit.
but am i still drinking four cokes a day and eating six chapati's for dinner?
i believe in showing the world the love of Christ.
but am i being kind to my family, my co-workers, the waitress who's too slow?
i believe in the power of prayer.
but am i praying?
i believe in the power of God's Word.
but am i reading it? studying it? obeying it?

this is what God spoke to my heart two days ago...
"rebekah, I cannot bless what you believe...
I can only bless what you do."

if i am given seed that is GUARANTEED to be good quality and sure to produce good fruit and i shout about it, write down rhema's in my journal about the best farming techniques, read the accounts of great farmers who have gone before me, write an album full of songs about how grateful i am for the seed, how excited and willing i am to go into the field and sow it, choreograph an interpretive dance using ribbons and lots of ballet jumps and minister it in church, write the most eloquent and moving spoken word and make a youtube video of it that goes viral, declare every day the power that it has, command abundance to come forth out of it, fast and pray for the overflow of harvest from it, host a workshop and then a conference about it, start a ministry called "guaranteed seed heavenly harvest ministries" and tell my friends that they should get some of this seed too.....will any of that bring fruit?????? as wonderful as my motives, excitement, passion, faith, expectation and demonstrations of belief may be, will any of that turn into fruit????

unless i till the soil, plant the seed, water the ground, uproot the weeds...unless i do that, i would have only built monuments of make-believe, turned into a hero of hypocrisy and gathered followers of fantasy.

the scripture says that "knowledge puffs up...".
we often have a false sense of security because we KNOW.
we say, we teach, we talk, we shout hallelujah...
but are we doing what we know to do?

i don't know about you, but i'm ready for the next,
i'm hungry for the harvest,
and i'll do what i gotta do.