i thought i was right.

as i mentioned in my last post, my story of relationships and boyfriends and dating is all pretty much a mish-mash of really foolish decisions and pride - and through all those situations, i thought i was right.

what i'm gonna write about today is my experience and testimony, what i learned... 

here are some of the BIG incorrect mindsets i had...

"God told me"

isolated and using this statement as the end-all can be a misleading mindset.
let me make something clear - i VERY MUCH BELIEVE that God should direct you to your spouse, and He should speak to you about the person you are in love with - but that word, if it is genuine, should be able to be tested and still stand.

here's the thing... God has given us ways that we can confirm that word, because, let's be honest, when you like someone and you think they are hot and you are all googly eyed (or super spiritual, like me, and have 68 rhema's about them and why you should give them 5 children), it's pretty easy to strongly FEEL the FEELS and just KNOW that THIS. IS. IT...and honestly, maybe it is!!!  BUT... if God really did tell you and this really is God, then you should have no worries about it being confirmed.

here are 3 ways (though there can be more/others) to confirm the word God gave:

1) the Bible - God will not tell you to marry a married man/woman, or anything else that goes agains what the black and white words of the Bible say.  God IS His word... how can He have double standards?

2) parents - if this person is a good spouse for you, then your parents should have a peace about that too.  (many times our parents are not believers and/or might resist a union for unbiblical reasons eg. tribe or social status - this is where you can use God's word AND your spiritual authority to judge if it is right/wise to proceed)

3) pastors/leaders - they should also have peace and agree.  again, how would God tell you something that He wouldn't tell your pastors or your mentors that HE ordained to lead you?  that sounds confusing, and God does not author confusion.  

ideally, all these 3 should align.  the only case i can think of where that wouldn't be so is if, as said earlier, parents disagree for unbiblical reasons... but God's word, your parental authority and your spiritual authority should all be in a place of agreement about what you feel.  we tend to think our parents or our leaders are not necessary in making this decision...but they are God's gifts to us to protect us from making misguided decisions...there is such wisdom in getting MUCH counsel, and if any of your chosen counsel has an issue, you would be WISE to heed and seek understanding.

"this is just a private thing between us right now"

don't confuse "private" for "hidden."  

you might be a private person, who isn't interested in updating social media about every move you make or telling the whole world about your relationship.  that's totally ok.  

but to need or want to hide it from your leaders?  that's an AUTOMATIC warning sign that something may not be ok...

"he/she really loves me."

whoever God has for you had BETTER really love you... and yes, maybe they really really do - but just keep in mind that genuine love will do the right thing the right way.  it won't hide you, keep you as a secret, use you, convince you to disobey leaders or parents, convince you to ignore wisdom.  (and if YOU genuinely love someone, you won't do any of that to them).  that's not to say that people who truly love one another may not make mistakes or foolish/sinful choices - thank GOD for grace and mercy and restoration - but we should be pursuing doing things well and openly...if we do stumble and fall, and really love that person, then we should want to repent and restore what has been broken...

so here's what happened... when i met allan, i decided to "put God to the test."  i had tried doing things my way and every time ended up hurt, so this time, i decided to do this relationship BY THE BOOK - all the "rules," all the courtship-tings, all the meetings, all the accountability, everything!!  and i did... the day allan told me he liked me i freaked out (see previous post), and told him, "you have to meet my dad.  and my pastor.  and my cell leader."  and you know what?  he said, "cool, when can that happen?"

and when our cell leaders shared the physical boundaries they counseled us to keep, i committed to that (even though i seriously didn't like it) and so did allan.  he kept the standard SO HIGH throughout our courtship, he was strong when i was weak, he never once pressured me or pushed me to cross that boundary.  not because he's the perfect guy who just doesn't ever get tempted (i mean, look at me, i am a cute lil thing!)... and not that it was always easy for him, but he had his cell leader that he would faithfully call and walk with whenever things got difficult for him.  for both of us, we often wrestled with the choice between submitting, or just doing what we felt we should do.  we initially had a very different idea about "how" to do "us", but we kept taking God at His word and choosing to trust those we had asked for counsel.  (our theme song was "oceans"... "You call me out upon the water" - man, if you want to see the miracles, you have to leave what makes sense to you, what you are comfortable with, your experience and your reasoning and your opinions...you have to leave "your boat")

when our parents said we needed to delay our wedding, you know what?  we prayed (and cried a whole lot, but prayed) and thanked God for leaders who love us and are for us and we decided to submit (with good attitudes) even though it made absolutely NO sense to us AT ALL at the time...

when our folks did have a release and gave us the go ahead, it was PERFECT.  as in, such a perfect wedding and process and experience... oh my goodness, wonderful.  and we saw the hand of God in the timing of our wedding, in the decisions of our leaders, even though it was SO hard to submit at the time we were asked to wait...now we were seeing the fruits of that submission.  

allan earned respect from my parents and my leaders.  he submitted to hard things.  he did them faithfully.  so when my parents were walking me down the aisle, they were walking to give me to a man who had been PROVEN worthy of trust and faith.  and allan didn't just prove it to them... he proved it to ME.  he showed me that he can do hard things, he can obey even when he doesn't feel like it, he can admit his weakness and go to wise sources for help and strength, he can take his questions and frustrations to the right place to deal with them...  he proved he is a man i can follow.  

we walked through some hard things, yes, but they served the purpose of proving us.  fake gold can look good and even look real... but 1 peter 1:7 says, "pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure.”  when gold goes through fire, you can be SURE of what you have, for it has been proven.

all through the process, i have to tell you... i felt stupid.  as in, genuinely foolish.

why didn't i trust God before?  why did i find it so hard to trust my parents and my leaders?  why didn't i trust the process we had been taught?

because here i was, enjoying the ride of my life, totally at peace, walking in total purity, leaning HEAVILY on my cell leaders and parents to help keep me on the right path (because that's what God gave them to me for)... why did i think God's way would be boring?  or not fun?  or ridiculously hard?  i was so surprised by how wonderful our courtship was - how much fun we had and how awesome it was to have the most awesome support system around us, helping and guiding us.  

psalm 18:30 "as for God, His way is perfect: the Lord’s word is flawless…”

His way is perfect.   no mistakes.

we had the MOST. AWESOME. time dating and courting and growing together.

we have NO regrets.  none.  (to this day, that makes my eyes fill with tears of gratitude… i have many regrets in my life, but allan and our process is not any of them).

why?

not because we are such perfect people…far, FAR from it… but because we both chose God.  we chose the path He showed us, even when it seemed strange or hard (after all, His ways are above our ways.  proverbs 20:24 says, “man’s steps are ordered and ordained by the Lord.  how then can a man [fully] understand his way?”) 

we committed to try him, to do it the way He told us through His Word and through our leaders, 100%.

and this morning, my wonderful husband brought me tea in bed… i think His way worked ;)

p.s.  i want to say something quick to anyone reading this who didn’t do things “by the book,” or maybe by a book different than ours ;)  or is currently wrestling to walk the right path in the relationship you are in – i have seen the mercies of God time and time again, and i know, firsthand, that He is pro at bringing beauty from ashes.  this is NOT to say that if you didn’t do things the way allan and i did, then you won’t have a great marriage – not at all!  this is simply my testimony and meant to encourage people who are having a hard time, or perhaps battling the same mindsets i did… just TRUST and OBEY. 

i know every story is different… and every story, placed in the hands of Almighty God, is beautiful.